Lawyer Jokes
IDEAL WEIGHT
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
STAMP RECALL
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
TOXIC WASTE
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.
BIRTH CONTROL
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
BEST PATIENTS
Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.' Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.
LAWYERS AND SNAKES
Q: Why do lawyers never get bitten by snakes??
A: Professional courtesy.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?When you run over a snake you don't back up to make sure it's dead.
HOW MUCH IS 2+2
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
LAWYER AND SKUNK
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
MARRIED IN HEAVEN
One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had an accident and were killed. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St.Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, " If things don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?"
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
STAMP RECALL
The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
TOXIC WASTE
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
A: New Jersey got first choice.
BIRTH CONTROL
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
BEST PATIENTS
Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, 'I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. Doctor Fitzpatrick says, 'I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.' Doctor Ahn says, 'I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.
LAWYERS AND SNAKES
Q: Why do lawyers never get bitten by snakes??
A: Professional courtesy.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?When you run over a snake you don't back up to make sure it's dead.
HOW MUCH IS 2+2
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
LAWYER AND SKUNK
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
MARRIED IN HEAVEN
One day a nice young couple were on their way to the Justice of the Peace to get married. They had an accident and were killed. Now they were in front of St. Peter and the young lady asked if they could get married. St.Peter told them, he would have to get back to them with an answer. Around 30 days later St. Peter returns and tells the couple that they can get married in heaven. The young lady then asks St. Peter, " If things don't work out can we get a divorce?" St. Peter looks at her and replies, " Lady it took me 30 days to find a preacher up here do you really think I am going to find a lawyer?"
posted by Lesley McDade at 6:32 am
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