Lawyer Jokes
Medical Experimentation
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Lawyers Accident
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.
Both the drivers get out of their car. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.
It's cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.
"Why, thankyou," the doctor accepts. He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor asks.
"Yes. After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
Bottle with a Genie
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Last Wish
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice. One was a doctor, one a priest, and the other an attorney.
"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million cash in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.
Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scanner broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially unfortunate this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal cheque for the full amount!"
Lawyer in the Carribean
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
The Deaf Underling
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
Lawyers Accident
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both veer over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither occupant is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident.
Both the drivers get out of their car. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone and goes over to talk to the doctor.
It's cold and damp, and both men are quite shaken up at the accident. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask.
"Why, thankyou," the doctor accepts. He takes a few drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away. "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor asks.
"Yes. After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
Bottle with a Genie
A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every lawyer in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.
Wham! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every lawyer in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
Last Wish
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice. One was a doctor, one a priest, and the other an attorney.
"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million cash in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world." The three agreed.
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket.
Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scanner broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially unfortunate this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, didn't take anything out of your envelope?"
"I would never!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal cheque for the full amount!"
Lawyer in the Carribean
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
The Deaf Underling
A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the underling, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The underling signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling's temple, cocks it and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The underling signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
posted by Lesley McDade at 8:07 pm
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